Oh HOME

My life in Lewisville has been pretty mundane as of late. I wake up, workout, go to Starbucks, work, and DVR until bedtime. I know, pathetic. This weekend I had a random change in my schedule. Friends whom I have not seen in quite sometime were going to our hometown for the weekend. So I packed and headed to Wichita Falls Texas. For those of you who don't know what that is ill explain. Wichita Falls is a place in Texas, close to Oklahoma. The population is around 100,000 and the falls are man made. It contains very few bars, one shitty mall, and about 5,000 fast food joints. Fat, unattractive people are everywhere. Don't worry, I already feel sorry for myself. On the upside, I have some pretty awesome friends. Most of them college grads scattered around working in the adult world. So when we get together, it's in Wichita Falls. I don't know what it is about that town, but I always leave looking like a homeless clown, and feeling like someone beat the shit out of me. This trip was no different. I don't drink as much as I use to but when I'm home, I can't stop. Shots are everywhere. So last night I met up with my friend who I am going to call "Audry." Audry has been a friend of mine for over 5 years. Every time we get together its a complete mess. Ill get into more of those details in my future blogs. It's safe to say when people see me and Audry gallivanting in the falls, trouble is on its way. Anyway, Its about 8:30pm when me and Audry arrive at our first stop, Toby's Bar. Toby's is a small, stale, cigarette stained establishment. The antitheses of chic. It is pretty low key, and the usual spot to start a night. We order our vodka drinks and decide to have some jager bombs. Two of our other friends join, more drinks are ordered, and my other friend "Cameron" arrives. The last time I had seen Cameron was over a year ago. During our last shenanigan we had an obscene amount of tequila shots. We also found ourselves in a high school make out sesh and passed out on Audry's couch. I still have no idea where that weave went. Anyhow, we order more drinks and the rounds of shots keep coming. I suppose everyone was feeling generous. Now it's around 10pm. At this point I have a pretty good buzz going. After all, I'm a dumb ass and didn't have anything to eat for dinner. Now that we feel a little looser we all decide to head to bar number two. Old Town. Old Town is a pretty popular place for the people of Wichita Falls to make fools of themselves. Every waitress has gigantic tatas that stare you in the face. Last night in particular, this one waitress had the biggest tits I have EVER seen. I was almost concerned for my safety. It was gross and they made me uncomfortable. When we arrive at Old Town im wasted. I say hello to familiars that I run into and avoid those I cant stand. Shot please!  When I get drunk I look suuuper retarded. My right eye starts to droop and I give creepy stares. Its Not cute. Rap music is playing and my body is moving. This is NEVER good, I'm white. At this point, I'm not sure how much I have had to drink. Audry is no where to be found (She later told me she hopped in ;some random limo) so Cameron and I drink it up some more. This is where everything becomes a little dejavu. Cameron and I start making out like teenagers. I think at one point his hand was in my back pocket. What are we? 12? Ridiculous! Class and dignity are out the window. Our presence at Old Town made a few people uncomfortable for sure. I officially blacked out, and so did Cameron. Thankfully, we are mildly responsible and somehow called a cab to take us home. I wake up this morning car-less, drunk, and stupid. Audry picks me up, and we go to the local hibachi grill. We walk in the place looking like we just got out of rehab, and I see a familiar I had relations with and his new wife, awkward. So I force Audry to sit in the sushi bar with me. I didn't want to eat my hungover meal while someone gave me death stares! So we sit down and this creepy old man starts showing us pictures of his monkeys. I never knew this could happen to me. He had a boy and girl, named Dingy and she sucked her thumb. "What the fuck is going on right now?" Finally, he leaves and we proceed to hardly eat our food. Audry was going to puke. Later ;I checked up on Cameron to make sure he wasn't dead. He wasn't. So now I can return to my normal, boring life. The ride home is going to suck due to my massive hangover and beer brain. Until next time Wichita Falls