Gym Tards

Its safe to say that I am marginally healthy human being, sure I drink, but for the most part I have my shit together. Anyway, being a healthy individual does require some logged hours at the gym.This place is a prime location for some serious people watching. Addicting. I cant help but observe the unfortunate. So here are a few of the tards that I notice on the reg:

"The Gerry"
This guy is really fucking old. He is at the gym at 5 every morning wearing his cotton shorts, thin white T, Velcro sneakers, and mid calf tube socks. He likes to walk on the treadmill with his tiny gym towel pumping his osteoporosis stricken arms. With each arm pump this guy does, I always wonder if it will be his last. I'm constantly thinking he is about to die. You never want to be on the treadmill next to him. It will make you anxious. "Oh Fuck! This is it, this is it, he's dying. He's dead. Oh my God he's dead!" Do I really have to utilize my CPR skills? Two words sir "DON'T DIE!" it's a vicious mind fuck. I can't handle the stress.
"Who wears short shorts? This fucking guy"
This character is out of control. He reminds me of a Richard Simmon-esque, circa 1980s enthusiast. Always sporting some random, oddly colored tank, super thick chesticle hairs, an overbearing neon sweat band, and the shortest fucking shorts ever! That shit is embarrassing. "Why are you prancing around the leg machines? This isn't fucking Never land." Did you steal those shorts from a Barbie collection?  He is always smiling and ridiculously motivational to all the other gym goers. Is this guy for real? Seriously? No one is ever that fucking happy. "Please spare me your inspirational speech hot pants, I would rather pluck out my eyelashes." Also, you never want to walk in front of this freak show while he is on a stationary bike. Sadly I made this detrimental mistake about a month ago. As I stated earlier, his shorts are insanely short, he might as well be wearing loose panties. You could imagine the horror on my face when I glanced his direction as he pedaled along to his "Ace of Bass." There it was, a swinging pork sword! What the FUCK just happened to my eyes! Did I really just witness this act of unnatural human behavior? Fuck me! I need to go cry now.
"New Years Failure"
 Generally the popular new years resolution for ridiculous morons is to lose weight. The first few weeks of January at the gym is a fucking nightmare. People who never work out come for a few weeks just to irritate the shit out of me. I swear its a conspiracy. The new years failure is usually an unhappy female. Typically I'm already pissed she even bothers to come. You are wasting your life, and my time. Get off the fucking treadmill! She always seems to grab the last treadmill available and proceeds to sloth at a pace of 1.0 for three or so minutes. Give me a fucking break! You just wasted a half mile run for me asshole! When she finishes burning .5 calories she walks over to pick up some 2.5lb dumbbells. and then puts them down. Don't strain yourself  Hun, wouldn't want you to not be able to put a fork in your mouth. What a joke! I just pissed more calories than you burned. Get the fuck out of here!  I do apologize that your adulterous husband forced you to be here, but you and I both know you would rather be at Ben and Jerry's basking in the ambiance of all the other fatties! Please go before I have a nervous breakdown.
"The Big D"
If you haven't guessed yet, this dip shit is a gigantic douche bag. Emphasis on the gigantic, and douche. . He walks around like a pompous idiot flashing a creepy grin. I never know why. You and I both know his package is nothing to smile about. I cant help but notice how often he stares at himself in the mirror. Pumping his chesties and kissing his biceps with each curl he does. "Is he fucking serious?" You look like a fool sir, and don't even get me started on that ridiculous crop top. His arms are so unnaturally large, it is impossible for him to walk like a normal human being. He trotts around like a fucking penguin. That shit is only acceptable for pregnant people. So Gross! I can't even use a weight machine after this butt hole. He douses his vein stricken body in the most obnoxious color of body bronzer leaving it all over everything he touches. I don't want my gym towel to be brown from this morons body residue. That is disgusting and unsanitary. God forbid im ever forced to conversate with this douche, I may stab myself with a pencil instead.
   Needless to say these losers make me contemplate therapy. Am I crazy? Are these tards a figment of my imagination? To my dismay, they are real and ridiculous. The only exception is "The Gerry." Its not his fault he was born in the 1800s. Gerry just makes me anxious. Xanex please!

Why are you weird?

I don't know why, but I am
cursed. For some unknown reason I'm forced to endure many random acts of stupidity. Its like there is a sign on my for head that says, "Hey! If you're weird and unpleasant please come talk to me. Its fucking ridiculous. Some would assume that I'm overly judgmental, and that is just not the case here. Live a day in my shoes and an inevitable "What the fuck?" moment will occur. Even my best friend "Barb" would agree. Barb has been a best friend of mine for well over a decade. She is probably one of the nicest people I have ever met in my entire life. She is a ray of fucking sunshine. Her nickname is snuggles for Christ sake. Anyway, Barb is pretty much awesome. She has always been a form of balance in my stupid life. I generally like getting Barbs advice because she brings a whole new prospective to my situations. A nicer prospective. What I'm trying to get at is, if I can make Barb say "what the fuck?" I'm validated. Here are some examples of the shit I have to put up with.
"The Ugly Rude Guy"
This evil moron sucks at life. On night me and my friend Audry were gallivanting about town. We arrived at our first establishment of the evening. This place was overly crowded, so we had to push our way over to the ladies restroom. And so I meet the ugly rude guy. This idiot walks right up to my face and stops me dead in my tracks. Mind you I have never seen this fucking retard in my entire life. He gives me this creepy stare and begins to verbally rape me. He proceeds to say that I am too tan, my hair is too long, and I'm basically a breathing piece of plastic. What a fucking ass hole. Before I am able to get a word in edge wise, Audry jumps in. Audry is a feisty animal so don't you dare talk shit about her friends. She will fuck you up. So Audry begins her verbal assault. At this point I am pissing my pants from laughing so hard. One of her memorable comments will stick with me forever. "What did you say? I'm sorry, I don't speak douche bag airmen!" We still use it til this day. Yea, the guy was an early 20s airmen who was married. What was this guys fucking damage? Look, I'm sorry you're unattractive and were probably cursed with a gnome penis, but that gives you no right to be a disgusting creep. By the way ass hat, tell your friends thank you for the free shots!
"The Hopeless Fool"
This dude was off of his fucking rocker. I'm still mildly concerned about his mental health. So, after a long stressful day at work I meet my friend "Shelly" for some dinner. Shelly shares the same distaste as I do for random acts of weirdness. Both of us are sitting there minding our own business when all of a sudden, here stands, the hopeless fool. This guy was a sloppy mess. As I was sitting there in agony from the sight of his jiggly moobs(man boobs), He starts to slur out his ridiculous nonsense. So He starts staring right at me with his dilated pupils, as if I'm not already creeped out enough, he starts his pickup line. "Soooo, you guys know about the weapons of mass destruction Bush is trying to find?" You have got to be fucking kidding me! What is wrong with this joke. I look at Shelly, we both are in disbelief at what was just said. So I reply. "Bush is no longer president you moron." He replies, "Yea well you know the weapons he WAS trying to find?" again  I look at Shelly, roll my eyes and say, "What?" At this point I was trying to get to the gist of his nonsense so he would get the fuck away from me. So again, he looks at me and says, "They are right here." As he said this I look up and he was pointing to his bicep. It was then that me and Shelly burst into tears. Ill explain why. This fool was roughly in his mid 30s. He was short, drunk, and over weight. He had some ill fitting jeans and a shirt so small that it probably came from baby gap. Hardly a catch. So as you all can imagine his bicep was extreamly unimpressive. He also told me his formal girlfriend was a sports illastrated swimsuit model but he dumped here because she didnt bring much to the tabel. Yea fucking right you hopeless fool! Speaking of tabels, get the hell away from mine before I kill myself.
"The Girl Slapper"
This fucking clown is a raging dickhead. If I could kill someone with my mind, it would be him. One night me and Barb were out and about ordering drinks at the bar. We are engaging in conversation when this asshole comes to stand by me. I have no interest in anything that comes out of the moron's mouth. Clearly he is not intelligent, and I have better things to do. Also, I was smelling some horrible stench that I could only assume was him. He was foul and disgusting. Anyway, I suppose my obvious avoidance struck a nerve in this feeble minded fellow. The next thing I know I hear this loud "Hey" so I turn around. As I do this, his hand meets my face. Yea, that's right, I got fucking slapped! I didn't even speak to this dickhead, was he fucking serious? That random act of violence pissed me right off! So naturally I start ripping him a new asshole. Thankfully, there are some southern gentlemen that still exist in this world. After they caught wind of my unfortunate incident, The retard got his ass kicked. I hate fighting as much as the next girl, but this jack hole deserved it! Seriously, who does that shit? Oh yea, the girl slapper
  The above are just a few unfortunate moments that were a complete waste of my life. Things like this actually happen to me. Its pathetic, sad, and completely disturbing. This shit has to go beyond the power of karma. I'm cursed. What the fuck!

Starbucks

Starbucks is indeed a necessity of mine. Its essential to my morning program and proves to be vital to my function as a semi-decent human being. I'm 25, and a woman so I'm already pre disposed to being a bitch.Give me a break! I'm entitled to my vices. When I started college I took a vow to eliminate caffeine from my life. It worked out fine since my life revolved around school, my stupid boyfriend, and alcohol. It wasn't until my last year of college that I began drinking coffee again. I was unfortunate to never be properly diagnosed with ADD. I had ZERO supply of adderal to get me through my all night study sesh. It was then, that my physical need for coffee began.
  My addiction to Starbucks is disgusting. I go everyday before work and after my weekend workouts. Its fucking sick. Fortunately, I'm not one of those pale, beret wearing rejects, that attend coffee shops and speak in haiku. No one knows what they are doing. Its weird. Get out in the sun, wear some color, and please dispose of your non functioning Harry Potter glasses. Its not chic, and you are not misunderstood. Anyway, I can safely say that I'm pretty dependent on this shit. When the hot, frothy goodness hits my lips I feel all warm and tingly inside. My morning is complete. Don't judge. Trust me I'm doing everyone a favor.
  Usually when i make my daily Starbucks run I prefer to go inside instead of the drive through. I'm obsessed with my weight, so I want to make sure these teenage jack holes don't load up my shit with whole milk and sugar stricken syrup. Gross! You know those that work in the drive through secretly add fat to our health conscious lattes. Those bastards are sick, and yes, you adolescent dickhead, I can taste the fat! Since I usually run inside to grab my coffee I have come across some interesting characters.
  My all time favorite Batista is Shannon. Shannon is one of those new-age, fancy lesbians who had this insatiable knowledge of over priced coffee. This chick knows her shit. As soon as I walk in she starts brewing away at my usual skinny vanilla latte. We always engage in some useless small talk, throw in a few witty quips, with the occasional high five. Every now and then Shannon will suprize me with some complicated concaution she invented. Always making sure that it is fat and sugar free. She is awesome! Also, she never charges me fifty cents extra for my triple shot of espresso. I dont really mind she has a lady crush on me, I use it to my advantage. Shannon Fucking rules.
  Next we have the infamous "Starbucks braces lady." those of you who follow me on f Facebook are probably aware of my unfortunate encounters with this creature. I cant stand this fucking retard. She always screws up my order and puts whipped cream and chocolate sauce in my drink. Bitch! I always have to have it remade. This sucks obviously because I have to look at her stupid face longer than I would like too. She always starts these random, creepy conversations that tarnish my soul. One incident with this nomad left me confused and pissed off. It was summer time and I switch from hot to iced lattes. I live in Texas and summers are insanely hot. Anyway, I turn my back for 1 minute, and this crazy woman has four whipped cream glazed drinks glaring me in the face. I nearly had a panic attack. I was like, what the fuck are you doing to me? This is NOT what I ordered. You have my weekly caloric intake haunting me on this counter. After I explained she was ridiculous and I refuse to drink her drinks, she finally made me the right one. She stated "oops" and carried on about her business. As I was escaping from this traumatic experience she stops me dead in my tracks. "Did you want to take these four other drinks with you? They are extra." You have got to be fucking kidding me! Hell no I don't want to drink that shit! Is this some sort of sick joke? Is god punishing me for hating her so much? I turned around, said NO, and ran out the door. She ruined my life. Dear Starbucks braces lady, Fuck You.
  Finally we have "Asian guy." Asian guy does not speak a valid word of e English. Whoever employed him should be shot in the face. Coffee talk can be complicated. Especially with all the fancy terms that are used to order a drink. Starbucks always gives the courtesy of repeating your order back to you. Asian guy is incapable of doing this task. I don't know what the fuck you just said, or if you understood me but I hope you make my drink correctly. What is the point of the repeat, if the employee is unable to do so?  I cant be rude, after all its not his fault he was born that way, or that some fucking moron decided to give him the job. News flash! Starbucks brewing is not an ideal "American Dream" scenario. What a fucking asshole his boss must be. In Asian guys defense, he only screwed up my drink one or two times. This was because I was distracted and couldn't point to the items he needed to use.
  Even though I am forced to put up with a large amount of ridiculous shit, I still need my daily Starbucks. My life would be intolerable without it.

Oh HOME

My life in Lewisville has been pretty mundane as of late. I wake up, workout, go to Starbucks, work, and DVR until bedtime. I know, pathetic. This weekend I had a random change in my schedule. Friends whom I have not seen in quite sometime were going to our hometown for the weekend. So I packed and headed to Wichita Falls Texas. For those of you who don't know what that is ill explain. Wichita Falls is a place in Texas, close to Oklahoma. The population is around 100,000 and the falls are man made. It contains very few bars, one shitty mall, and about 5,000 fast food joints. Fat, unattractive people are everywhere. Don't worry, I already feel sorry for myself. On the upside, I have some pretty awesome friends. Most of them college grads scattered around working in the adult world. So when we get together, it's in Wichita Falls. I don't know what it is about that town, but I always leave looking like a homeless clown, and feeling like someone beat the shit out of me. This trip was no different. I don't drink as much as I use to but when I'm home, I can't stop. Shots are everywhere. So last night I met up with my friend who I am going to call "Audry." Audry has been a friend of mine for over 5 years. Every time we get together its a complete mess. Ill get into more of those details in my future blogs. It's safe to say when people see me and Audry gallivanting in the falls, trouble is on its way. Anyway, Its about 8:30pm when me and Audry arrive at our first stop, Toby's Bar. Toby's is a small, stale, cigarette stained establishment. The antitheses of chic. It is pretty low key, and the usual spot to start a night. We order our vodka drinks and decide to have some jager bombs. Two of our other friends join, more drinks are ordered, and my other friend "Cameron" arrives. The last time I had seen Cameron was over a year ago. During our last shenanigan we had an obscene amount of tequila shots. We also found ourselves in a high school make out sesh and passed out on Audry's couch. I still have no idea where that weave went. Anyhow, we order more drinks and the rounds of shots keep coming. I suppose everyone was feeling generous. Now it's around 10pm. At this point I have a pretty good buzz going. After all, I'm a dumb ass and didn't have anything to eat for dinner. Now that we feel a little looser we all decide to head to bar number two. Old Town. Old Town is a pretty popular place for the people of Wichita Falls to make fools of themselves. Every waitress has gigantic tatas that stare you in the face. Last night in particular, this one waitress had the biggest tits I have EVER seen. I was almost concerned for my safety. It was gross and they made me uncomfortable. When we arrive at Old Town im wasted. I say hello to familiars that I run into and avoid those I cant stand. Shot please!  When I get drunk I look suuuper retarded. My right eye starts to droop and I give creepy stares. Its Not cute. Rap music is playing and my body is moving. This is NEVER good, I'm white. At this point, I'm not sure how much I have had to drink. Audry is no where to be found (She later told me she hopped in ;some random limo) so Cameron and I drink it up some more. This is where everything becomes a little dejavu. Cameron and I start making out like teenagers. I think at one point his hand was in my back pocket. What are we? 12? Ridiculous! Class and dignity are out the window. Our presence at Old Town made a few people uncomfortable for sure. I officially blacked out, and so did Cameron. Thankfully, we are mildly responsible and somehow called a cab to take us home. I wake up this morning car-less, drunk, and stupid. Audry picks me up, and we go to the local hibachi grill. We walk in the place looking like we just got out of rehab, and I see a familiar I had relations with and his new wife, awkward. So I force Audry to sit in the sushi bar with me. I didn't want to eat my hungover meal while someone gave me death stares! So we sit down and this creepy old man starts showing us pictures of his monkeys. I never knew this could happen to me. He had a boy and girl, named Dingy and she sucked her thumb. "What the fuck is going on right now?" Finally, he leaves and we proceed to hardly eat our food. Audry was going to puke. Later ;I checked up on Cameron to make sure he wasn't dead. He wasn't. So now I can return to my normal, boring life. The ride home is going to suck due to my massive hangover and beer brain. Until next time Wichita Falls

"The Obnoxious Drunk Girl"

Being a woman in your mid 20s is a transitional phase. It is no longer acceptable to be a lushed out tramp. We broaden our horizons by attending chic cocktail parties and afternoon wine tasting with our fellow mid 20 gal pals. Weekday debaucheries have now become a thing of the past, after all, you have a real job.. Of course we still go to the bar, but we attend with a more conservative attitude and sophisticated attire instead of low cut tops that enhance the boobies. Weekend activities include grocery shopping and house cleaning, instead of shopping for an outfit that will expose the vaginas.

Above is the appropriate way for a mid 20-o-nite to behave. As I stated earlier, it is still a transitional phase. There are moments where a laps in judgement is involved and you drink to the point of embarrassment, achieve a ridiculous hangover, and hate text your ex boyfriend. Its all about transition. Before becoming a mid 20s woman, life was simple, blurry, and fucking awesome. Hangovers did not exist and day drinking was mandatory. Secretly we still wish to be 21, but our age prevents us from acting like a fool. The glory days are officially over. It is no longer acceptable to be "the obnoxious drunk girl"
We all have been deemed "The Obnoxious Drunk Girl." I have more times than I'm willing to admit. Just ask my friends. Turning 21 is like a little boy's first wet dream. You have no clue what is going on, but you realize the potential of awesome this new found freedom possesses. No more fake IDs, double X stamps, or pestering your older friends to buy you alcohol. The glory of showing that valid ID without Mohamed giving you "the stare" is the most exhilarating experience a newly legal drinker will ever have. You finally have the freedom to drink in excess without the worry of cops and nosey bouncers. You can attend class with the same attire from the night before. Who gives a shit? You're 21 and awesome!

"Why thank you douche bag for this free drink! I can now avoid you until I want another."

"SHIT! Why did i hook up with that guy?"

When you're 21 it"s OK to be a careless asshole. Being kicked out of bars is the norm and you losing your car is the daily routine. You wear obscene amounts of makeup and dress like a hooker. No worries, It's allowed. You never get offended by being called a skanky whore, lets face it, you are all disgusting trolls. You gather your trashy posse, get hagged out, and go to the bar. After a shot or ten at fifty cent drink night the jackassary commences. You and your fellow hood rats begin riding the hot mess express. For those of you who don't know what that means here is a little description:

Hot Mess Express: A group of sexy, hard-drinking bitches that hit the streets to cause chaos and partake in debauchery. Thank you slango.

An hour into the night you and your friends find a bar top, dance floor, cage, or any other area that will draw attention to your private parts. Once the location is found you and your hoe patrol begin to grind, turnpike, and any other disgusting dances that will get you noticed by perverted, horny guys. 21 year olds are known for their class. In The midst of this trannie-esque mosh-pit there is only one who creates the ultimate blackout magic. Sure, all the girls are drunk, sloppy trash bags, but there is only one who takes the crown. The one who surpasses the limit of social acceptability and is deemed the belligerent ass hole. Yes. That's right, "the obnoxious drunk girl.' She is the 7th wonder of the world. A vile and disgusting creature who creeps us all out.  She trollops around believing she is cute and fabulous because everyone is staring. Little does she know, those staring are confused and frightened of this ridiculous enigma. The following are 10 attributes of the quintessential  obnoxious drunk girl:

1) The English language does NOT exists: When having the unfortunate task of speaking with the obnoxious drunk girl, you have no idea what the fuck she is saying. All you see is mouth movement and drool. 

2) Her balance is that of a newborn baby: Honestly have you ever seen an obnoxious drunk girl walk? NO! because she cant

3) She will fall on the dance floor, refuse to get up, and drunk text a rando: All this bitch does is take up primo dance floor space. She is too busy texting on her ass. She wont move, get up, or crawl out of the way. The only thing making you feel better about this situation is that you are not on the receiving end of her text.

4)Her vagina and nipples will be showing: At this point people start to question weather or not she is from Jersey. Someone forgot to wax

5)She will probably barf in her best friends passenger seat: Mother of god! Now the best friend has to clean up this puke and give her a new shirt. This actually happened

6) NO guy will be desperate enough to sleep with her: All guys are shallow, stupid, and horny. With that being on her side, still, no bastard will stomach a lay from this dirty sloth

7) She WILL cry: Kill me right now! I cant deal.

8) Jager bomb crust will be on her shirt: As I stated before, she is a slop. Now she looks it

9) She will scare everyone: Holy Shit! it's the obnoxious drunk girl. RUN

10)She will receive a nickname from her embarrassed friends: Mine is PR, it stands for penis repellent